There's stimulated, and then there's stimulated

In the new age of bipartisanship, Republicans in the House yesterday unanimously voted against the Obama stimulus plan on the grounds that it represented more of the same old Democratic government spending. Liberal spending is defined as any government spending that doesn’t go to defense contractors in the congressperson’s home district.

From the little I know about it, I agree that some of the proposed new spending seems more stimulating than other new spending, but it seems to me that any money pumped into the economy for any thing will excite our spending molecules and send us on a buying spree. So $200 million to spruce up the National Mall means $200 million spread around the real Washington, D.C. where professional mall sprucers will start spending their money to buy things they wouldn’t have bought otherwise, like food and maybe a new Chevy.

Or a few million $s for the National Endowment for the Arts. Artists need money just like the rest of us, and they’ll spend it on stimulating things like brushes and clay and exotic paints. Nude figure models need work, too.

Which is why I’m looking forward to receiving a few thousand dollars from the VA because, according to them, I was 100 percent disabled with prostate cancer for five months.

When I first learned I had PC a year ago, I began to read everything I could find on the subject, and one of the things I learned was that anyone who served in Vietnam and later developed PC was presumed to have a service-related disability from exposure to Agent Orange. I guess the VA quit trying to determine who might or might not have actually been exposed and just started paying out to anyone who was there because you can’t prove a negative: Nobody can prove I wasn’t downwind from an application that might have been miles away but was sprayed from a massive tanker plane flying at relatively high speeds and altitudes. These were not precision pesticide applications by farmers trying to cover their beet fields while mostly missing the grammar school next door.

So I filed a claim thinking why the hell not? I could be impotent and incontinent in a few weeks, and if that isn’t a double-dog disability, I don’t know what is.

After I had surgery and began to quickly recover, though, I couldn’t help but notice that the plumbing was working pretty much as well as ever, and with a little help from a moderate dose of Viagra, I could fly the flag as high as I could when I was twenty-something. That was actually an improvement over the pre-op me, so I began to actually feel unentitled, an emotion as rare these days as contrition in the political class, but there it was nonetheless. I wrote the VA a letter and said I wanted to withdraw the claim.

Not to be deterred, though, the closest VA office started calling to tell me I needed to come in for a physical to verify somehow that I was still 100 percent disabled. How do I prove impotence? I wondered. That might be a medical test a guy could enjoy failing. “Get undressed in the next room and a nurse will be in shortly to help administer the test. Do you have a gender preference for your nurse?”

I kept telling them I was doing fine and I still wanted to withdraw the claim, but they called back a few more times to remind me to make an appointment. I ignored the messages.

When I didn’t hear anything more for a few months, I forgot about the whole thing until yesterday when I received a big envelope from the VA with lots of official looking documents inside, and when I read through everything a few times, I figured out that they still believed I was totally disable for five months, at which time I became totally not disabled and my benefits were terminated.

There was no check inside, though I assume one is in the mail. Or not. You know how the VA can be.

For a brief moment I thought I can’t possibly accept this money, something around $10,000 before taxes, and then I realized the hell I can’t! I’ve actually been feeling left out because I haven’t received a single billion in bailout money yet, and why am I less deserving than a mall sprucer or bank president? I’m not, and I can assure the Republican super-minority in congress that unlike some of those banks, I always promptly spend whatever I take in and a little bit more, so I’ll have an immediate effect on the economy rather than a long-term effect, which seems to be a bad thing.

I could probably re-file with the VA to start up my benefits again. One of the criteria is continuing drug therapy, and there’s the Viagra thing. This stuff isn’t cheap.

I’ll have to think about it.