I’ve been thinking about this for some time, but the recent revelations about Congressman Anthony Weiner have led me to take the last step: I’m renouncing my gender. From now on, I will identify as “independent” on all official documents such as driver’s license and passport. I’ll leave blank any boxes I’m required to check for either “male” or “female” unless there’s an “other,” and then only if I can write in “independent.”
I will use neither men’s nor women’s restrooms. Unless there’s a unisex bathroom, I’ll hold it until I get home. This means I'll be spending a lot more time at home.
Not all men are assholes, but there are so many asshole men out there that I’m tired of being associated with them only on the basis of certain equipment we share in common. I’ve long resented that I can’t be overly friendly with the neighbors’ kids for fear of being thought a pedophile. Actually being in the house with a kid when the parents aren’t there is a clear invitation to being officially charged. And taking a neighbor kid camping is just asking for a lengthy prison sentence. Really, I don’t even like kids.
It’s not any safer with women of any age. When I was teaching, I never closed my office door. Never.
On a rare occasion, I’d have a woman student walk in and close the door behind her so we could “talk.” I always recognized this for the set-up it was and reopened the door immediately, then walked out into the hallway with my hands in the air. I kept the door equally open with male students, colleagues of all ages and genders, and even when I was alone for fear that someone might suspect I wasn’t alone.
I left it open when I wasn’t there. If the need ever arose, I wanted a whole slew of witnesses from my building who would swear that they had never seen my door closed.
Never.
Today’s Daily Beast online lists a rogue’s gallery of political sex offenders, concluding that Republicans hold a slim lead over Democrats. The article briefly profiles a discouraging sixty-three offenders, some old, some new, many I’d never heard of. I well remember Bob Packwood since he was an Oregon Senator when he resigned in 1993, but I’d already forgotten John Ensign (Nevada, 2009). I hadn’t heard of congressman Tim Mahoney (2008), a Democrat who campaigned on a very Republican sounding slogan of “Faith and family: Where I stand.” Actually, he apparently spent considerable time lying down with his mistress, whom he then paid $121,000 to keep quiet. She didn’t.
Mahoney replaced Republican Mark Foley (2008), who resigned after ABC released a string of salacious email he sent to male congressional pages. I remember that one. I love it when family-values, gay-bashing Republicans turn out to be gay sexual predators. This happens approximately weekly.
Of course, there are plenty of non-political offenders: Tiger Woods, PeeWee Herman, Dominique Strauss-Kahn. These are not three guys you would otherwise name in the same sentence. And don’t get me started on fundamentalist preachers and mega-churches: Gay sex, prostitutes, meth. And this was just one guy.
I’m not ready to be charged as a sex offender (I’m not), or a philanderer (I’m not), or even just a salacious texter (I’m not).
So I renounce my gender. Call me Stacy, not Ross. Stacy happens to be my middle name, and although I hate it, it is gender-neutral and therefore acceptable. Call me Doctor Carroll or Professor Carroll. I don’t stand on ceremony, but Mister is no longer acceptable.
And finally, I did not have sex with that woman, and I will not resign.
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