Paddycake

Since I didn’t have a root canal scheduled for last night, I watched the Republican presidential candidates’ “debate” on CNN. I use debate in quotation marks because it actually felt more like a gang rape, with almost every question to every candidate turned into an attack on Obama. If anyone tuned in had turned the debate into a drinking game keyed to the word “Obamacare,” participants would have all died of alcohol poisoning in the first fifteen minutes.

The best question from the moderator all night concerned the Bush tax cuts and deregulation, both of which failed to produce any measurable upturn in the economy and surge in job creation. No one answered that question directly, choosing instead to repeat the Republic mantra that the only way to jumpstart the current economy is more tax cuts and deregulation.

Candidates also chose not to direct any attacks against their primary contenders, which is what they have to do if they want to distinguish themselves from each other and win over voters in the Republican primaries. Pawlenty even declined to defend his earlier statement that “Obamacare” would be better called “Obomneycare,” instead once again going after Obama rather than Romney.

All the candidates came across as capable non-debaters, able to turn every question into a recitation of current right-wing Republican orthodoxy aimed at the tea party base. Still, there were some real bombshells. Cain refused to retreat from an earlier statement that he would never appoint a Muslim to his cabinet. Amazingly, Gingrich came to his defense, pointing out that one naturalized American citizen and convicted terrorist had explained that he had simply lied when he took his oath of citizenship.

And then, even more amazingly, Gingrich went on to defend earlier purges of Nazis and Communists, arguing that history had proven them mostly right. I’m not aware of any particular efforts to purge government of Nazis, but this was the first defense of McCarthyism I’ve ever heard from anyone who wasn’t a card carrying member of the John Birch society. Still, since he didn’t actually mention McCarthy, he’ll probably get by with that one.

There were calls to turn Medicare into a voucher system and reform Social Security by making it a voluntary program with an option to contribute to private retirement accounts. This should amount to painting a target on your chest, since the collapse of the stock market has wiped out the retirement savings of millions of Americans, but on stage with a line of fellow Republican candidates, no one ever questioned a suggestion that will inevitably be greeted with hostility from many voters, especially older Americans who are the most likely to actually vote in any election.

In fact, the inevitable answer to every question was privatize, cut taxes, and deregulate, red meat for the exclusively Republican audience that won’t always play so well beyond the New Hampshire Republican primary.

Still, the debate highlights Obama’s challenge in the presidential election. After now three years of Obama’s presidency, we’re still in the grip of the worst recession since the Great Depression. Obama’s defense of his leadership so far has been a limp assertion that things would be worse if he hadn’t intervened forcefully in saving what was left of financial markets and manufacturing jobs such as the auto industry. Those of us who believe he needs to stop taking jabs and instead start throwing heavy body blows against his critics will feel even greater urgency in his taking an aggressive stand. Sadly, after three years, it may be that we’ve seen he’s more comfortable lecturing in an attentive classroom than he is in the kind of cage fighting he needs to do to win reelection.

Still, it’s early in the game, and we saw in Nevada and other states that given a choice between an unpopular incumbent and a whackadoo opponent, voters will reluctantly reelect the incumbent. Harry Reid, a particularly ineffective debater, eked out a victory against Sharon Angle. Obama, with his far superior debating skills and his proven track record in running an effective campaign, might still mount a spirited offensive instead of always playing an anemic defense. He needs to take off the gloves and start throwing those heavy punches.

Only a fool like me would dare to call the election this early in the campaign. I take it all back. The most anyone can say at this point is it’s going to be interesting.

And I’ll continue to watch the Republican debates since in the end I can’t help myself and I don’t see any root canals in the near future.

A little perspective

Is it just me, or is the idea of a Broadway musical that satirizes Mormons more than a little offensive? I surfed by the Tony Awards last night, and though I’d vaguely heard something about The Book of Mormon, it hadn’t really caught my attention. Then I watched one big production number from the show and I wondered why there hasn’t been a surge of outrage about this. Imagine—it makes me shudder to think about it—a Broadway satire of Muslims called The Koran. We’d have Hillary Clinton flying in to New York in an NY minute to plead with the producers to call off the show.

Just the fact that somebody was pursuing such an idea would cause massive riots throughout the Arab world. Granted, Muslims could loosen up a little and stop killing each other because some cracker preacher in Florida decides to burn their book, but this isn’t just a one-man stunt for a little publicity. It’s Broadway.

The Book of Mormon was written by the creators of South Park, which has no notion of “going too far.” Then again, the opening number for the Tonys was “Broadway: It’s not just for gays anymore.” Was it before? I’ve never been.

Maybe musical comedy based on religion isn’t such a bad idea. As a born-again-and-again agnostic, I certainly take as much pleasure as the next guy making fun of religions. Nunsense makes fun of nuns, who have their own issues with underwear, I suppose. And I mean, Scientology? Come on.

Of course, Jews come in for plenty of satire, but mostly by Jews. For them, it’s a business, but when they get a musical, it’s Fiddler on the Roof.

Stop me if you’ve heard this one: I was raised Baptist, sort of, who prohibit standing intercourse lest someone think they’re dancing. I still can’t dance. Other than that, there’s nothing funny about Baptists.

Has anyone done Anglicans? Gay bishops? A laugh a minute.

Jesus Christ Superstar offended a lot of people, but it wasn’t a comedy. It was actually quite a moving testimony, if you like Jesus, and it had some great songs.

Maybe we need a musical that satirizes all religions, Anabaptists to Zoroasters: God: The Joke’s On You.

Funnier to me is Republicans. Nixon has an opera, but I don't think it's a comedy.

Don't call me Ishmael

I’ve been thinking about this for some time, but the recent revelations about Congressman Anthony Weiner have led me to take the last step: I’m renouncing my gender. From now on, I will identify as “independent” on all official documents such as driver’s license and passport. I’ll leave blank any boxes I’m required to check for either “male” or “female” unless there’s an “other,” and then only if I can write in “independent.”

I will use neither men’s nor women’s restrooms. Unless there’s a unisex bathroom, I’ll hold it until I get home. This means I'll be spending a lot more time at home.

Not all men are assholes, but there are so many asshole men out there that I’m tired of being associated with them only on the basis of certain equipment we share in common. I’ve long resented that I can’t be overly friendly with the neighbors’ kids for fear of being thought a pedophile. Actually being in the house with a kid when the parents aren’t there is a clear invitation to being officially charged. And taking a neighbor kid camping is just asking for a lengthy prison sentence. Really, I don’t even like kids.

It’s not any safer with women of any age. When I was teaching, I never closed my office door. Never.

On a rare occasion, I’d have a woman student walk in and close the door behind her so we could “talk.” I always recognized this for the set-up it was and reopened the door immediately, then walked out into the hallway with my hands in the air. I kept the door equally open with male students, colleagues of all ages and genders, and even when I was alone for fear that someone might suspect I wasn’t alone.

I left it open when I wasn’t there. If the need ever arose, I wanted a whole slew of witnesses from my building who would swear that they had never seen my door closed.

Never.

Today’s Daily Beast online lists a rogue’s gallery of political sex offenders, concluding that Republicans hold a slim lead over Democrats. The article briefly profiles a discouraging sixty-three offenders, some old, some new, many I’d never heard of. I well remember Bob Packwood since he was an Oregon Senator when he resigned in 1993, but I’d already forgotten John Ensign (Nevada, 2009). I hadn’t heard of congressman Tim Mahoney (2008), a Democrat who campaigned on a very Republican sounding slogan of “Faith and family: Where I stand.” Actually, he apparently spent considerable time lying down with his mistress, whom he then paid $121,000 to keep quiet. She didn’t.

Mahoney replaced Republican Mark Foley (2008), who resigned after ABC released a string of salacious email he sent to male congressional pages. I remember that one. I love it when family-values, gay-bashing Republicans turn out to be gay sexual predators. This happens approximately weekly.

Of course, there are plenty of non-political offenders: Tiger Woods, PeeWee Herman, Dominique Strauss-Kahn. These are not three guys you would otherwise name in the same sentence. And don’t get me started on fundamentalist preachers and mega-churches: Gay sex, prostitutes, meth. And this was just one guy.

I’m not ready to be charged as a sex offender (I’m not), or a philanderer (I’m not), or even just a salacious texter (I’m not).

So I renounce my gender. Call me Stacy, not Ross. Stacy happens to be my middle name, and although I hate it, it is gender-neutral and therefore acceptable. Call me Doctor Carroll or Professor Carroll. I don’t stand on ceremony, but Mister is no longer acceptable.

And finally, I did not have sex with that woman, and I will not resign.

Don't know much about history

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Listen my children and you shall hear
Of the midnight ride of Paul Revere,
On the eighteenth of April, in Seventy-five;
Hardly a man is now alive
Who remembers that famous day and year.

He said to his friend, "If the British march
By land or sea from the town to-night,
Hang a lantern aloft in the belfry arch
Of the North Church tower as a signal light,--
One if by land, and two if by sea;
And I on the opposite shore will be,
Ready to ride and spread the alarm
Through every Middlesex village and farm,
For the country folk to be up and to arm."

Longfellow goes on for fourteen stanzas, concluding

So through the night rode Paul Revere;
And so through the night went his cry of alarm
To every Middlesex village and farm,---
A cry of defiance, and not of fear,
A voice in the darkness, a knock at the door,
And a word that shall echo for evermore!
For, borne on the night-wind of the Past,
Through all our history, to the last,
In the hour of darkness and peril and need,
The people will waken and listen to hear
The hurrying hoof-beats of that steed,
And the midnight message of Paul Revere.


Sarah Palin


"He who warned uh, the British that they weren't gonna be takin' away our arms, uh by ringing those bells, and um, makin' sure as he's riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be sure and we were going to be free, and we were going to be armed."